Westboro Baptist Church Jokes

The Phelps family wanted the U.S. Supreme Court to rule in favor of offensive hate speech. We agree with this ruling because limitations on what they can say could some day be used as a precedent for limitations on what we can say. On the other hand, we are pretty sure the USSC ruling covers any form of nonviolent speech about the Phelps family that does not actually constitute libel (e.g. a false accusation of a crime).

Q: What is the difference between Westboro Baptist Church and Coney Island?
A: You can see the freaks for free at Westboro Baptist, and they are far more exotic than performers with multiple body piercings, human blockheads, and so on.

“Dear Margie Phelps: please send me a nude picture of yourself so I can save the immortal soul of a lesbian whom your church says is going to Hell. When she sees your picture, she will either become straight or take vows of chastity. Please send it in an opaque package, though; I am a heterosexual male and I wish to remain that way.”

“Dear Shirley Phelps-Roper: our state is planning a new program to eliminate its Megan’s Law sexual predator list. Please send us pictures of you naked in sexually provocative poses. Any convicted rapist who agrees to look at the pictures for ten minutes will have his name removed from the list because he will never want to go anywhere near a woman ever again. Please be sure to send the pictures in an opaque container, though; there are a lot of married men here whose wives do not want them to turn gay, take vows of chastity, or castrate themselves and become harem guards.”

“Dear Fred Phelps: I want to save a gay man’s soul, so please send me a picture of you naked in a sexually suggestive pose. Once the gay man sees it, he will turn straight, take vows of chastity and become a monk, or castrate himself and become a harem guard. Please send it in an opaque container, though; I don’t want my wife/girlfriend to become a lesbian.”

Westboro Baptist displayed a sign that said “Thank God for breast cancer” at Elizabeth Edwards’ funeral. Why don’t Shirley Phelps-Roper, Rebekah Phelps-Davis, or Margie Phelps worry about this disease or even bother to get annual mammograms? Hey, if YOU were a cancer cell, would YOU go anywhere near those monstrosities?

Q: Why doesn’t the Phelps family have to worry about the Black Plague?
A: Professional courtesy from the Yersinia pestis bacterium.

The Phelps family was on a cruise off Somalia when their ship was captured by pirates. The pirates sent a letter that said, “Unless you pay us one billion dollars, we will release them.”

Q: What is the difference between the Phelps family and excrement?
A: Excrement is useful as fertilizer.

Q: Why is the Westboro Baptist Church God’s house?
A: The Devil had first choice and he took Hell.

Q: Why is Fred Phelps the Lord’s servant?
A: The Devil had first choice and he took White Aryan Resistance leader Tom Metzger.

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