We understand that the National Jewish Democratic Council and Jewsvote.org will hold a special religious service for the High Holidays. It will be entirely consistent with their use of their nominally Jewish identities to appeal to Jewish voters.
The Cantor will open the service with Sarah Silverman’s verbatim quote from her video for Jewsvote.org’s “The Great Schlep,” “If you vote for McCain, to me you’re a s**t-stain.”
At this point, the congregation is instructed to kneel to receive Holy Communion. Everyone makes the sign of the O over his or her chest, and then the presiding Rabbi (NJDC denomination of Judaism) recites the sacred words, “In the name of God the Father, Barack Obama the Son, and Franklin Roosevelt the Holy Ghost.” This transubstantiates wine into the blood of Obama, and a plate of kosher ham and cheese sandwiches (stamped “parve” by the National Jewish Democratic Council, just like MoveOn.org’s anti-Semitic hate speech) into the flesh of Obama. Each congregant consumes these items while proclaiming,
Barack Obama, who art in Illinois
Hallowed by thy Name
Thy Presidency come
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our $1000 tax rebate.
And forgive us our racism,
Which is an inherent trait of all white people.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from Republicans and Christians.
For thine is the kingdom,
and the power, and the glory,
for ever and ever.
To which the presiding Rabbi replies, “In your mercy keep us free from conservatism and protect us from all Republicans as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our Savior, Barack the Christ.” He presents an O-fix (like a crucifix, except it has Obama’s campaign logo on its end with a picture of Obama in the middle) for the worshipers to kiss.
Then the congregation recites, “Barack Obama Adonai Eloheinu Melech Ha’Olam, shehechiyanu v’kiyimanu v’higianu la’zman ha’zeh.” (Barack Obama, Lord our God, King of the Universe, who has kept us alive, sustained us, and brought us to this season.) “Barack Hussein Adonai Eloheinu Melech Ha’Olam, asher kidishanu b’mitzvotav v’tzivanu leshoma kol shofar.” (Barack Hussein, King of the Universe, who has blessed us in his commandments and commanded us to hear the sound of the shofar.)
To economize on the purchase of an actual shofar, NJDC and Jewsvote.org, having eaten a generous supply of baked beans (aka “the musical fruit”), now break wind–an act that is totally consistent with Sarah Silverman’s performance in “The Great Schlep.”
The “Torah” is now produced and opened to reveal an Obama/Biden campaign poster.
Presiding Rabbi: “Today the Book of Life is open, and on Election Day it is sealed. Vote for Obama, and you will be written in the Book of Life.”
Cantor: “But if you vote for McCain, to me you’re a s**t-stain.”
This closes the service, and there is a reception at which kosher bacon-wrapped scallops (stamped “parve” by the National Jewish Democratic Council, just like MoveOn.org’s anti-Semitic hate speech) will be served.