Obama Resigns from Trinity United Church of Christ to save his own backside
Obama’s sole reason for resigning from the Trinity United Church of Christ was to save his political backside, not because he gives a damn (or a God damn, to use his pastor’s terminology) for honor, right, or common decency.
TRANSCRIPT OF PHONE CONVERSATION OVERHEARD BETWEEN ONE BARRY, aka BAr, aka BOY, aka BAMA AND ONE JERRY, aka REV, aka REVEREND.
Recorded May 30, 2008 0815 EDT
“Ok, Rev, here’s the deal. This chit has really hit the fan now.”
“What you mean, Barry? Chit?”
“You know what I mean, Jerry, all the stuff you’ve been saying for years, about the honkies and this racist country we’re stuck with. Now, with Reverend Mike pulling his imitation of you . . .”
“Oh, that. Well, I challenged Mikie to see if he could pull off giving one of my sermons because he said it was easy. I mean, it is easy, sorta, since I believe every word I spew but, dammit, that bastard actually did it! I forgot that he hates this muthaf….ing country as much as I do and . . .”
“Excuse me, Rev, I have to interrupt. You’re not getting my point. I have to bail on Trinity United.”
“Bail? Whatcha talkin’ ’bout, Bama?”
“I mean resign from the church.”
“Resign? Resign? What the f..k yo’ mean, resign? Done nobody resign from mah church, you muthaf…ing oreo!”
“Hold on, Rev, you resigned, didn’t you?”
“Boy, you know damnedass well Ah retired and only because you asked me to, real nice like. I coulda gone on for a hella years but, no, you had to suck up to the honkies and make yoself look like da man just so’s you can be elected da president of this hellhole nation! And then yo goes and tears into me!”
“Look, I explained all that. This country would never be so stupid as to elect me after the media got hold of your sermons. I got ‘em fooled so far but I had to distance myself. It’s like that trade stuff that dumbass Goolsbee let slip to the Frogs. We had to deny we really meant that my administration would restrict trade with Canada. And, remember, the Secretary of State slot is still yours for the asking.”
“Yo can shove yo slots, Bama. Yo forget, Ah married yo sorry ass to dat Robinson beatch…”
“You’re referring to my wife, Michelle.”
“Right–and ah gots to say she’s been sticking her foot in her mouf a lot lately—and ah baptized those pickaninnies of yours . . . what’s their names again?”
“Malia and Sasha, and don’t call them pickaninnies, please.”
“Yeah, Malia and Sasha, and yo sat yo half- black ass in mah church fo’ twenty f…ing years and yo nevah said a word about what I preached, . . . okay, you did say yo loved what I said a slew of times . . . and now yo has to distance yoself? Yo can just distance THIS!”
“Rev, you know Michelle and I made hefty contributions to Trinity United. In view of that, . . .”
“Hold on, dere, Bama Boy. Until yo decided two years was enuff experience and yo wanted to become Da Head Massa of Honkyland, getting money outta you was like whacking off a dead man, da Trinity ladies used to call you Da Man Whose Check Always Be In Da Mail, and dat time yo donated yo skivvies . . .
“I was merely emulating Bill Clinton.”
“Yeah, whateva! Dey say yo is so smart, just like dey said dat Da Great White Hope be da smartest lady on da planet back when she was cleaning up after her bubba. Best thing I can say about yo is, yo sho not be too dumb if you can get aways with what you’re doing. And no dress stains if she be da vp, ya hear! (sounds of laughter, guffawing)
“You do know this is just a temporary split, right, merely a temporary measure for the sake of expediency?”
“Barry, Ah knows dat! I was just bustin’ yo white gonad!” ( laughter)
“Good. After all, you’re my mentor, my spiritual guide. You’ve been like a daddy to me, in fact, the only non-Muslim daddy I’ve ever known. (laughter) When I’m elected, if you don’t want State, you know you can choose any position in government you want.”
“Barry, yo is just too good to me. Ah would be honored to be Secretary of Defense. Ah has dese plans to surrender da Jewnited States to Iran. (hysterical laughter) By da way, could you find a job for Pfleger? I hear St. Sabina’s kicked him out on his honky ass. Fo’ some reason, he wants to be assigned to a all-boys school.”
“Sure, Reverend, whatever you want. I can make Pfleger Education Secretary.”
“That’d be fine, Bar. He just loves dose kids! Well, gots to go prep my next talk. Ah be speakin’ ats da Elijah Muhammed University commencement.”
“Okay. Salaam, Reverend. See you November 6th!”
“Yo betcha ass yo will see me! Oh, wait, will yo still be campaigning hard in all dose 57 states?